| I truly enjoy Beethoven and Bach, but Brahms puts me to sleep. | Hollywood kitchens are filled with utensils and glamour; hospitals have white gauze and red tape. |
| Maybe the passenger pigeon would not have become extinct if all the museums wouldn’t have killed and stuffed so many for display. | Invariably, when someone says, "To make a long story short," they are not going to a shorter story, but are rather switching to another long story. |
| Some days all my thoughts are gems but my words are pisspools. | What is your shit if not together? |
| I am reminded of one of my colleagues. At a publication party a number of years ago, he went around drinking a can of beer he had cached in his open fly. He circulated freely, discussing he sexual and Freudian implications of what he was doing. | I began a career as a puppeteer, but I quit when my Berkeley friends started calling me a fascist and imperialist. |
| A majority does not equal a mandate. |
It was signed "Kilroy"—an obvious forgery. |
| A college cafeteria is like organized religion. It gives you a substitute that causes you indigestion so you don’t need the real thing. | Your Karma tells the Santa Claus of All-Being whether you will get a present or a lump of coal in your next life. |
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