Quotations and Epigrams of
Samuel Taylor Rothschiller

TOPIC
QUOTATION OR EPIGRAM
Aging I remember when tan lines used to be the lines where the swimsuit covered me. Now I get tan lines on those places where my fat overlaps.
Altered States I can't understand why people feel the imbibing of alcoholic beverages should be done in moderation. The only way to drink is to excess.
  Let's face it: You have one or two drinks, and you feel relaxed. But if you drink enough, you become sexy, handsome or beautiful, strong, eloquent and witty. . . .
An Anecdote A woman arrived at work one day. Happily, she told her co-workers that, after many years of trying, she and her husband had finally succeeded in getting her pregnant. All her friends were glad for her, and congratulated her.

A few weeks later she came to work in a very depressed mood. Her co-workers knew she had had a doctor's appointment the day before, and feared the worst. When asked, the woman said that it turned out she was not pregnant. Her friends commiserated with her until she said, "I guess I should have expected it. After all, I am sterile." (This is a true story.)

Art

Love me, love my art.
  Let's put the art back in art.
  Art, for God's Sake!
  As my grandpappy used to say, "Let's not go confusin' art and life here, now."
Artists I understand why many artists go mad. They are aware of their feelings (unlike many people who have no self-awareness), but refuse to acknowledge that what they are experiencing are their feelings.
Beauty Beauty is in the "I" of the Beholder.
Bumper stickers
 I My Dog.
I My Dog.
I My Spouse
  I recently visited the town of Adultery, New Mexico. Everyone has bumper stickers on their cars which say,
"I Adultery."
Business Does Macy's tell Gimbel's...what?
Conspiracies I'm convinced that the recent earthquake was just a hoax by companies like Radio Shack and canned food manufacturers to get us to buy radios, flashlights, canned goods, and stuff like that.
Cosmos They just discovered a new supernova, and all the astronomers are rushing to publish their findings and articles. You'd think, after a few million light years, they wouldn't need to hurry.
Creation God should have created light first. Then He could have seen what He was doing.
Critics Once I was asked if I worried about the reviews my books would get (that is, if they would first get published). I said that I never read reviews to see if the reviewer or critic liked a book. I read them to see how perceptive that reviewer or critic is--whether he agrees with me or not.
  When you're cool--really cool--no one can make fun of you no matter how stupid something you say is.
Dubuque, Iowa While I was in a Dubuque furniture store, I saw two rich men fighting over a woman. One said, "Marry me and I'll make you a Davenport!" "No," said the other, "wouldn't you rather be an Ottoman?"
That's Entertainment! When he came out in his shorts they laughed, but when he bent down, they split. (Old Pennsylvania Dutch joke.)
Epigrams Crazy is a state of mind.
  Do you realize that physical punishment fails to be effective against masochists?
  I can't have as much as I want if I want more than there is.
  If you don't know what it is, don't throw it out.
  Let sleeping beauties lie.
  Sometimes the signs we try the hardest to read say nothing at all.
  The best things in life are free. Kind of takes the fun out of prostitution, doesn't it?
  There are no easy answers--only stupid ones.
  There is no originality. But I'm not the first person to mention this.
  When he gets too old, a gigolo runs out of women to gigol.
  When you can't sleep at night because of the smell, it's time to change the sheets.
  You can attract more flies with honey than with vinegar. But who wants to attract flies?
Fashion I really hate kids' hair-styles these days. All those things those kids do with their hair.

I wish I could do them.

I wish I had more hair.
  I went to Hair Club For Men and all I got was a lousy hair shirt.
Fast Food Is there a hierarchy of fast-food franchise managers? I mean, is it okay to be a McDonald's or a Burger King manager, but not so great to be a manager of a KYFry?
Fast Women I didn't realize how young she was until I found out that she was born the same month I graduated from high school.
  They tell me that when a woman says no, she really means yes. My experience tells me that when a woman says no, she really means, "Get away from me you filthy minded pervert!"
Fate

Did you hear about the born loser who spent his life's savings buying an inexpensive stock in a company's going-out-of-business sale?
  I hope there is an afterlife. I want my re-ward for all this bodily torment and suffering. Just this morning I stubbed my toe on a waterbed frame.
Fetal Development Floating in the womb, I discovered that I was going to be a very well-endowed baby boy. But it turned out to be the umbilical cord, and you know what they do with that. . . .
Garbage How strange that they mark trash bins with the word "litter." It's not litter if you throw it into the trash bin.
Hair

A short-clipped haircut adds ears to one's face.
  They tell me I'm balding, but in my mind I still have a full head of hair.
Images What do people see when they look into a mirror? And how closely does their perception match what is truly there?
Jokes I tried being a Christian stand-up comic for awhile, touring the Bible Belt. I did jokes like, "Take Sodom and Gomorrah--please!"
Justice Justice is always administered by those in power in favor of those in favor.
Life Life is much more complex than we think, but it is simpler than it seems.
Manners Apparently one of the patrons of this roadside diner had learned to talk with his mouth full and his head empty.
Media According to a story in a Baltimore newspaper, a man had been found shot to death in one of the city's parking lots. Police labeled the death "suspicious."
Medicine I heard about a woman who had so much faith in the healing power of apples that she would take one along to her medical exams. She'd brandish it at her doctor saying, "I brought this to keep you away."
Modern Anthropology Affairs give new meaning to the term "Extended Family." One woman at a party introduced me to, "My mother, my father and his wife."
  At a party which I attended, the hostess had placed a sign in the bathroom over the toilet. It read: "Gentlemen, please put the seat down after using." I told her that gentlemen always do.
  I'm always the first to arrive to parties. You see, I have this problem with social intercourse: I come too soon.
  In high school, a group of us conducted a sociology experiment. Each clique--jocks, nerds, heads--had its regular table in the cafeteria. One day, my group (the intellectuals) moved to the jock table. The jocks and the cheerleaders were confused, and didn't know where to go.
  In primitive cultures, men had to pass certain ritual contests to prove their masculinity and to win their women. This has been replaced in our modern society by the pre-marital blood test.
  I believe in the institution of marriage. I myself have been institutionalized three times.
  The rallying cry of youth: "Dare to be the Same!"
  There is a psychological condition which I have observed over the years and which I have named "The Hathaway Syndrome," so-called in reference to the secretary on "The Beverly Hillbillies," Jane Hathaway. Women with this condition, no matter how intelligent they are, lose all capability of rational thought where men are concerned, and tend to throw them-selves at stupid jerks.
Modern Living The graffiti you see on those hand-dryers in public toilets which says "Step 5: Wipe Hands on Pants"? That isn't really graffiti. In point of fact, it is additional manufacturer's instructions. This is what accounts for so many machines having the same thing written on them.
M-O-T-H-E-R Who can ever forget that peculiar smell of mother's spit on a tissue?
Movies The last movie I saw in a theatre was "Saturday Night Fever." I thought the story was handled better by Shaw in "Pygmalion."
Notice A sign on a university classroom door read:
INDIAN MYSTICAL TRADITIONS HAS TRANSMIGRATED TO ROOM 226.
On the Road Some businesses are completely oblivious to the fact that their neon signs are partially or totally burned out. I wondered how much trade this one Howard Johnson's lost--or gained; only the last three letters of each word were illuminated. It made it sound like a more disreputable, racy motel.
PA. Dutch Wisdom If one man calls you a jackass, it may not mean much. But if five men call you a jackass, it's time to get a saddle.
People Every human being has been given by his Creator the ability to drive every other human being up a bloody wall.
  Everyone is a unique individual--except in bus stations.
  I worry about people who laugh without smiling. They look so eerie.
  I also worry about people who make right turns on red, even though the light has changed green. They don't notice, sneak into the intersection, and zoom off, all needlessly.
  Relatives are people with whom you associate, even though you would never have them as friends.
  Some people don't give a thought to what they're doing. A friend of mine, an editor for a magazine called The Feminist Press, received a letter with the salutation, "Dear Sir."
  Unfortunately, most people do not fight fire with fire. They fight fire with napalm.
Philosophy I know what I'm doing. I just don't know why.
  I used to be a Nihilist, but I gave it up. I didn't see any point to it.
  I'm always accused of being cynical, but who can help it in a world like this?
  It is better to be cynical and have some optimism, than it is to start off optimistically and be hit with cynicism.
  It is better to give than to be stolen from.
  It's like what a wise old man once said to me. He said, "Sam"--as I stood there on the mountain waiting to hear his wisdom, he said to me, "Sam"--as the wind blew all around us, he said, "Sam"--and he had a twinkle in his eye as he said, "Sam, fuck 'em if they can't take a joke."
  Plato was right about eternal nothingness. He didn't talk about it.
  What good is anarchy if there's no strong leader to get things organized?
  Which came first: the penguin or the tuxedo?
Politics I think that the United States has an obligation to maintain world peace, no matter how long and hard we have to fight for it.
Questions Is there a difference, really, between bribery and incentive-giving?
  Was there ever such a thing as an imperfect stranger?
  Why do they call it a wake when it involves the sleep of death?
Quotes--of a sort In Pennsylvania Dutch country, "all" means "all gone." So, if the ALL detergent is all gone, you hear the Zen-like phrase, "The ALL is All."
Radiation Do you know what was left after all the A-bomb tests on those Pacific Islands?
Nothing Atoll.
Religion According to the Bible, with the Deluge, God destroyed every living creature on earth, except for those animals on Noah's ark. Does that mean that Noah carried an aquarium for the fish?
  I met a bishop, and he said, "You may kiss my ring." I told him fine, and asked him where his bathtub was.
  The Book of Revelations contains Biblical illusions.
  What's your favorite Station of the Cross?
Romance I once heard about a shotgun elopement--the father of the bride couldn't afford a wedding.
  I was seeing this one woman for a year and a half. We were like the great lovers of history: Romeo and Juliet. Tristan and Isolde. Sir Gawain and the Green Knight.
  I started seeing this one woman, and things seemed to be going pretty well. That is, until one night she invited me to her parents' house for dinner so I could meet the whole clan. Was I surprised when I arrived, and they were all wearing sheets and hoods, and burning a cross on the lawn.
  I'm convinced that I drive women crazy with lust and animal passion. But for some reason, they pretend I don't affect them.
  Love is not a Harlequin romance, with scenes viewed through a gauze curtain. It has edges which are sharply defined and which can cut deep wounds.
  I never went in much for carbon dating. I prefer the silicon model.
  There are certain songs that remind me of the women I've dated. Chicago's "Colour My World" conjures up the image of one of them, Billy Joel's "Just The Way You Are" recalls another. And of course, my least favorite comes to mind whenever I hear "Wipeout."
School I never had a crush on any of my teachers in high school, and I can't see that happening. For instance, imagine this:
Her brown eyes flash in the fluorescent light. They meet my gaze. Her heart throbs, calling to me from under her white blouse. I turn the lights out and walk closer to her. We're silhouetted in the light of the filmstrip projector. Taking a deep breath, I say to her: "Sister Immaculate, I love you."
Science On the first manned mission to Mars, the astronauts will be singing: "One giga bottles of beer on the wall, one giga bottles of beer."
  Science seeks to answer questions. Art seeks to question answers.
  Scientific research and statistical studies are very important things. For example, a recent study proved that men are much more likely to develop prostate cancer than women are.
Speaking in Public I was asked to speak at a New Age Businessman's Luncheon. I began my speech by telling them that I was originally going to talk about serendipity, but I didn't have anything planned. They were very disappointed.
Theatre I heard a theory that Shakespeare did not write the Shakespearean plays. My theory is that he did write them, but he might have gotten someone to help him spell some of the words.
Trust Can you trust a grown man who still has his initials (written in laundry marker) in his underwear, left over from summer camp?
Words to Live By Carpe Diem--Seize the Fish!
Zen My Zen-like placidity is merely a disguise for still being half-asleep.

 


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© 2003 Stephen A. Schrum

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