Here's to California
by Stephen A. Schrum
steveschrum@musofyr.com
Script created with Final Draft by Final Draft, Inc.
HERE'S TO CALIFORNIA!
By
Stephen R. Schrum
© 1984, 2004 Stephen A. Schrum
CHARACTERS
Emil Henry II, a TV producer
Lane, his butler
Celia Moore, a film editor
Ernest Reiter, a playwright
Shirley Kochenour, an actress
Duncan Wasserman, a poet/Philosopher
Al King, a Broadway director
Tony Ryan, a Playboy photographer
Mary Lewis, assistant stage manager, LA Popular Theatre
Katherine Henry, Emil's niece
Theresa Carpenter, a lawyer
Party Guests [Optional; can be offstage voices]
3 studs (two twins and a Neanderthal man)
TIME: Spring, 1986.
PLACE: In and around Los Angeles, California.
The play may be produced with or without an intermission. If
there is an intermission, it should follow scene 11.
Due to the episodic nature of the play, full sets for each
location are not necessary; in fact, the audience's
imagination should furnish the sets rather than the designer.
Thus the action will move more quickly if each room is
suggested by lighting and furniture on a unit set. Some of
the areas, used for one place, such as Emil 's bedroom, can
then be later used for another area--Ernie's room, for
example.
SCENE 1
(BEDROOM OF EMIL HENRY II, A RICH TV PRODUCER. EMIL, 40-ISH,
SHORT AND ROTUND AND SLIGHTLY BALDING, IS LYING ON HIS BED
AND TALKING ON THE CORDLESS PHONE. HIS THIN, AGING BUTLER,
LANE, ENTERS WITH EMIL'S LUNCH ON A TRAY. EMIL, USUALLY SOFT
SPOKEN, HAS A HARSH EDGE TO HIS VOICE IN THIS CONVERSATION.)
EMIL
What do you mean, no dancing Nazi
women in short leathers?... Well, I
don't care. How can we do this rock
video properly if we don't have
dancers in Gestapo costumes?... He
wants what?... Sid, Sid, who ever
heard of nuns in a rock video?...
What's The Sound of Music got to do
with a song called "Tuck Me In And
F--what?... No.... No, it's not
art. It's not art. Is he there?
Tell him I said that.... What?....
What does "Fuck art, let's dance"
mean?.... Look, Sid, you talk to
him, and I'll get back to you.
(EMIL HANGS UP AND LANE PLACES THE TRAY OVER EMIL AS HE SITS
UP STRAIGHT IN THE BED. AT THIS TIME WE SEE LOLA, A PLASTIC
PARTY DOLL, DRESSED IN A FLIMSY BLACK NIGHTIE, SITTING NEXT
TO EMIL. INCIDENTALLY, INSTEAD OF A NAVEL, SHE HAS PULL
RING, SINCE SHE IS A TALKING PLASTIC PARTY DOLL.)
EMIL (CONT'D)
I don't Know, Lola. What do these
people think they're doing? (PULLS
RING)
LOLA
Oh, honey, I'm so hot for your
body.
EMIL
(PATTING HER KNEE) Not now, dear.
It's lunchtime. (AS LANE IS
EXITING) Lane, have you placed the
ad for boarders yet?
LANE
(RETURNING) Yesterday, sir. We've
already had one call regarding it.
The caller will be by this
afternoon at three.
EMIL
Oh, Lane, whatever happened to the
good old days when a movie mogul
could entertain dozens of hangers
on in his mansion. "In Xanadu did
Kublai Khan a stately pleasure dome
decree." I have to take in boarders
for tax benefits. If it hadn't been
for cable TV, Lane.
LANE
Yes, sir.
EMIL
Cable TV and the death of the movie
studios. Oh, well. What is the name
of this potential boarder, Lane?
LANE
A Ms. Celia Moore, sir.
SCENE 2
(A SMALL APARTMENT IN A LARGE OLD APARTMENT HOUSE. OLD
FURNITURE AND STACKED CARTONS AND BOXES CLUTTER THE FLOOR.
CELIA, IN HER MID-20'S AND PRETTY, IS PUTTING BOOKS INTO A
CARTON. WHEN THE DOORBELL RINGS, SHE LOOKS TOWARD THE DOOR,
THEN SMILES.)
CELIA
(CALLING) Come in, Ernie.
(ERNIE REITER, A YOUNG PLAYWRIGHT NEWLY-ARRIVED ON THE WEST
COAST, ENTERS WITH LUGGAGE. ERNIE IS NOT UNHANDSOME, BUT IS
OFTEN PASSED OVER BY WOMEN WHO SEEK MORE RUGGED MASCULINE
FEATURES. HE SITS HIS LUGGAGE DOWN AND CROSSES TO CELIA.)
ERNIE
I'm three hours early. How did you
know it was me?
CELIA
It had to be you. (THEY HUG.) Hi.
ERNIE
Hi. I didn't know our telepathic
link worked in such close
proximity. So, how's my astral
sister?
CELIA
Fine. How are you? How was your
trip?
ERNIE
Oh, not bad...so far.
CELIA
You're not going to start insulting
California again, are you?
ERNIE
No, not yet. I've only been here
about two hours. And nine-tenths of
that was on the highway.
CELIA
But a California theatre company is
willing to produce an unknown
playwright's first play.
ERNIE
(GRUDGINGLY) I know.
CELIA
Would you like a glass of wine?
ERNIE
Yeah, sure.
(CELIA GOES TO GET THE WINE FROM THE KITCHEN. ERNIE SURVEYS
THE APARTMENT'S DISARRAY WHILE PACING AMONG THE MESS.)
ERNIE (CONT'D)
I'm just glad I can stay here with
you. What with having to come out
for the rehearsals and rewrites,
I'm glad I can get cheap rent.
(STOPS PACING, LOOKS AROUND.) You
know, I hate to say this, but the
place is kind of a mess, isn't it?
It's a good thing my mother isn't
here to see it. She believes in
spontaneous generation; she says
that if you leave garbage lying
around long enough, mice and bugs
will automatically appear.
CELIA
(RETURNING WITH TWO GLASSES OF
CHABLIS) Ernie, I wanted to talk I
to you about that.
ERNIE
TAKING A GLASS) Spontaneous
generation? (HE LOOKS ABOUT WARILY.
CELIA
No.
ERNIE
My mother. You agree with her that
you and I should be married. Well,
it's against my better judgment,
but--
CELIA
No, the living arrangements. I've
decided to move out of this hole.
ERNIE
Why? It looks like such a nice
hole.
CELIA
The building's been bought by a
concern called Condorama,
Unlimited. Tell you anything?
ERNIE
Oh. So where are we going to go?
CELIA
I called this morning about rooms
for us at a mansion in Glendale. It
seems kind of strange, but the
owner is taking in boarders. So I'm
going over this afternoon and check
it out.
ERNIE
Well, okay. (STOMPS AN IMAGINARY
INSECT.) But I was just getting
used to this place.
SCENE 3
(EMIL'S BEDROOM. EMIL IS SITTING ON THE BED, MAKING A FEW
NOTES. LOLA IS COVERED BY THE SHEETS AND CAN'T BE SEEN. LANE
ENTERS, ANNOUNCES CELIA AND ERNIE.)
LANE
Ms. Celia Moore and Mr. Ernest
Reiter, sir.
EMIL
Please, come in. Sit down.
(THEY ENTER AS LANE SETS CHAIRS BY THE BED FOR THEM. THEY SIT
AND EMIL LOOKS THEM OVER. LANE EXITS.)
EMIL (CONT'D)
So. You're here in answer to the
ad. (THEY NOD.) A package deal? How
long have you two been living
together?
ERNIE
Uh, about four hours. (EMIL LOOKS
PUZZLED.) We're not really living
together, we're just close friends.
We call ourselves astral siblings,
since we have kind of a telepathic
link, you see.
EMIL
Oh! I've heard of these things, but
I've never experienced them myself.
CELIA
It usually happens when one of us
experiences intense emotion. But
it's nothing terribly supernatural.
EMIL
Oh, that's too bad. I like things
that are very eerie. I have a
complete set of Twilight Zone
videocassettes. 1
ERNIE
A complete set? I'm impressed.
CELIA
And Ernie is not so easily
impressed.
EMIL
It wasn't so difficult to get them.
I work in television.
ERNIE
(DISAPPOINTED) Oh.
EMIL
You don't like television, young
man?
ERNIE
It's not that. It's just that--
CELIA
Ernie works in a rival medium, Mr.
Henry.
EMIL
Oh?
ERNIE
I'm a playwright.
EMIL
Oh, how nice! I was in a
correspondence school play once. Do
you know Hedda Gabler? l played
George Tesman. That was fun. Have
you had anything produced?
ERNIE
Yes--the L.A. Popular Theatre is
doing my first play, Nothing
Personal. Rehearsals start next
week.
EMIL
Wonderful! Well, and Celia, are you
in theatre, too?
CELIA
I'm in film. I'm an assistant
editor for Splice Is Nice,
Incorporated.
EMIL
I know them. They do such wonderful
trailers. One can always somehow
tell theirs from everyone else's.
Well. Let me tell you.
I've taken an immediate liking to
both of you, and I'm never wrong in
my assessments of people. Has Lane
showed you the rooms?
CELIA
Yes, he did.
EMIL
Well, if everything meets with your
satisfaction, I would be happy for
you to move in. All right?
CELIA
Fine.
ERNIE
Sure.
EMIL
Good! I like doing business with
people quickly. Oh, I'm sorry. I
forgot to introduce you. (PULLS
DOWN THE COVERS, REVEALING LOLA.)
Celia, Ernie, this is my mistress,
Lola.
CELIA
Um, hello.
ERNIE
H-hi.
(EMIL PULLS THE RING.)
LOLA
Baby, give me some love action
right now.
EMIL
You needn't worry. I do know she's
not real. It's just a--quirk of
mine. I hope it doesn't bother you.
ERNIE
(TOO QUICKLY) Oh, no.
CELIA
Not at all.
EMIL
Good' Then it's settled? You'll
move in?
CELIA
Certainly.
EMIL
Fabulous! I'm giving a party
tonight for some up'n'coming mini
moguls, so you can meet everyone
then.
CELIA
(CATCHING EMIL'S ENTHUSIASM) Great!
(CATCHING HERSELF) Uh, we can move
in this afternoon, if that's all
right.
EMIL
Perfect. I have some calls to make,
so I'll see you later.
ERNIE
Great.
(ERNIE AND CELIA EXIT THE ROOM. OUTSIDE, IN THE HALLWAY, THEY
STOP TO TALK.)
CELIA
What do you think?
ERNIE
At least the rent is reasonable, if
our landlord isn't. I thought it
was a dead body there when he
pulled back the covers to reveal
"Lola."
CELIA
Ernie, You've got to get used to
things like that. You're in
California now. Things are a little
different here.
ERNIE
I am in California, but I won't get
used to it. And you were surprised,
too, and don't deny it. And to top
it all off, he's in television.
LANE
(SUDDENLY APPEARING) Shall I show
you two to the door?
CELIA
Oh, uh, no, thank you, Lane. I
think we can find our way.
LANE
I thought I should ask. Some people
do get lost on their way out. Once
we had an aging movie actor who
took a week to find the front door.
When he finally emerged into the
sunlight he discovered his career
was over.
CELIA
It is a big house.
LANE
Indeed. (TURNS TO ERNIE) Oh, and
sir, I should explain something.
Mr. Henry does work in television,
but not by choice. He'd rather be
in film, but circumstances and
certain people have closed him out
of it. Still, he does try to make
quality programs when he can.
Ideally, he'd like to return to the
good old days of Humphrey Bogart
and Singing In The Rain. But that's
impossible, of course. So do bear
with him.
ERNIE
Oh. Sure. Okay.
LANE
I'll help you move your things in
as soon as you get back.
(EXITS.)
ERNIE
Great. Exposition from the butler.
CELIA
Let's get our things. (THEY EXIT.)
SCENE 4
(LIVING ROOM OF EMIL'S MANSION. THE PARTY IS IN PROGRESS.
MANY PARTY GUESTS DRESSED IN THE LATEST L.A. FASHIONS STAND
AROUND THE ROOM WITH FOOD AND DRINK. IT IS ALL VERY MELLOW,
INCLUDING THE MUSIC. EMIL STANDS BY THE FOOD TABLE TALKING TO
SHIRLEY, A YOUNG ACTRESS WHO ALSO LIVES IN THE MANSION. ERNIE
AND CELIA, DRESSED INFORMALLY FOR THE OCCASION, ENTER AND
CROSS TO EMIL.)
EMIL
Hi, kids. How are you this evening?
CELIA
Fine, thanks.
ERNIE
Yeah, great.
EMIL
Good. Moved in okay and everything?
CELIA
No problem.
EMIL
Good. Will you have some of this
brie? I hear it's on the way out,
and that makes it so decadent.
CELIA
Brie on the way out? Surely you
jest.
SHIRLEY
I do?
CELIA
Pardon me?
SHIRLEY
You said I jest.
CELIA
When?
SHIRLEY
Just now. You said, "Shirley, you
jest.
EMIL
Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot to
introduce you. Celia, Ernie, this
is Shirley Kochenour. She also
lives here.
SHIRLEY
(TO CELIA) Hello. (TO ERNIE) Hi.
You're cute.
ERNIE
Shirley--you jest.
SHIRLEY
(GIGGLES, THEN LOOKS ACROSS THE
ROOM) Oh, I see Al King over there.
I must say hello. Excuse me.
ERNIE
(STOPPING HER) You mean the
Broadway director? (SHE NODS) Uh,
Shirley, how about introducing me?
SHIRLEY
Okay. (THEY CROSS TO KING.)
EMIL
Shirley's quite an interesting
young woman. I invited her here a
few years ago as just another party
decoration. It turned out that she
is very intelligent, and she stayed
on. Her sister Aida was living with
us for awhile, too, but they had a
falling-out when Aida began dating
a terrorist. It was a terrible
thing. They haven't spoken since.
(IN FROM ANOTHER ROOM COMES DUNCAN WASSERMAN, AN OUTSPOKEN
POET, WITH A FEW HANGERS-ON. DUNCAN IS OF AVERAGE HEIGHT AND
BUILD, YET HIS INTENSITY MAKES HIM APPEAR LARGER THAN HE IS.
HE IS BALDING AND HAS A MUSTACHE AND GOATEE.)
DUNCAN
The problem with modern man is that
he's too far from nature. He's
conquered the world instead of
trying to live in it. And now,
instead of trying to fix it, he
spends all his time with foolish
distractions. Video games. Massage
parlors. Hot tubs.
Cable television. Drugs. (LANE
COMES BY WITH TRAY OF DRINKS, AND
DUNCAN TAKES ONE.) People have to
get out and experience their
environment. Roll around in the
mud. Get dirty. But no. They have
no desire to become attuned to the
pulse of the universe. They get
stoned or drunk or screwed all the
time, and are no damn good for
anything but being human urinal
backstops.
(THE HANGERS-ON APPLAUD AND AD-LIB AGREEMENTS. THEY THEN MOVE
OFF TO THE SIDE, NEARER ERNIE AND HIS GROUP.)
CELIA
Who was that?
EMIL
Oh, you'd better keep Ernie away
from him. That's Duncan Wasserman.
He used to be a theatre critic for
Harley Digest.
CELIA
That doesn't sound good.
EMIL
It's not. (LOOKS AROUND) Oh, here's
someone I'd like you to meet.
(CALLS) Tony! (TO CELIA) He's a
photographer with Playboy. Come on,
I'll introduce you.
(THEY MOVE OFF TO THE SIDE AND TALK TO TONY RYAN, WHO IS
YOUNG, WELL-DRESSED UNDER HIS TRAVELER JACKET, AND A BIT
OVERBOARD WITH JEWELRY--PINKY RINGS, CHAINS, ETC. HE'S ALSO
WEARING SUNGLASSES, AS HE DOES ALWAYS, INDOORS OR OUT.
ERNIE'S GROUP MOVES TO THE FOOD TABLE.)
AL KING
Have you ever heard of a director
named Fritz Lucharno? I just saw a
showcase he directed in New York.
ERNIE
Was it a good showcase?
AL KING
Well, it was A typical New York
showcase. You know.
ERNIE
I'm afraid I don't. I know very
little about New York theatre.
AL KING
(AFTER A PAUSE) I thought you said
you were a playwright.
ERNIE
I am. I have seen a few things in
New York, and some touring
companies. But I was not that
impressed. I liked the things that
you've done, but the others. . .
.One director I ran into during a
brief stay in the Big Apple was
doing things that didn't even
interest other theatre people. He
was the man responsible for an Off
Off-Broadway Commedia dell'Arte
version of Oedipus Rex.
AL KING
That was Fritz Lucharno.
ERNIE
Well. Small world. Synchronicity,
or something.
SHIRLEY
Is Oedipus Rex the same as Oedipus
the King?
ERNIE
Uh, yeah.
SHIRLEY
Well, I don't think it would work
as a farce. That's ridiculous.
ERNIE
You're right, it didn't. I mean,
looking at it artistically, how
could he do such a production?
AL KING
He had grant money coming out of
his wazoo.
(THEY CONTINUE TALKING. FOCUS NOW GOES TO CELIA AND EMIL WITH
TONY.)
TONY
Hey, I've got to run. (STARTS TO
BACK OUT OF ROOM) Flying to the
Midwest tomorrow. We're doing a
nude pictorial of farm girls
entitled, "No Famine Here." Ta.
(EXITS.)
CELIA
I don't know if I should be
insulted or flattered.
EMIL
About what?
CELIA
About being asked to pose nude for
Playboy.
EMIL
Take it as a compliment. Tony only
recruits the most attractive of
women. Or women he wants to take to
bed.
CELIA
So which am I?
EMIL
Well. . .he does bed the most
attractive, too, so either way....
CELIA
(GLANCING ABOUT, NOTICES GUEST)
Now he's very attractive. I wonder
if he's gay.
EMIL
Oh, certainly not all the men you
meet are gay, are they?
CELIA
If they're not, they should be. Or
castrated. I don't meet a lot of
good men.
EMIL
Don't be so hard on us, Celia.
There are still a few good men in
the world. And not all of them are
in the Marines.
Unfortunate]y, all of the good men
seem to waste all their time
sitting around complaining about
the women they meet. They say that
they are either gay or married.
CELIA
That's what we say about men.
EMIL
Um, hmmm. (LOOKS AROUND) Now which
one were you asking about?
CELIA
(POINTING) That one, over there.
EMIL
Oh, yes, he's gay.
CELIA
Oh. Do you know him very well?
EMIL
No. We met once.
CELIA
Then how do you know he 's gay?
EMIL
By his tush.
CELIA
Emil! You look at men's tushes?
EMIL
Only to see if they're gay.
(THEY SMILE ENJOYING THE REPARTEE. FOCUS THEN RETURNS TO
ERNIE'S GROUP AS DUNCAN'S BAND FOLLOWS THEIR LEADER TO THE
FOOD TABLE.)
DUNCAN
(TO ERNIE) Did I hear you talking
about Oedipus?
ERNIE
Yes.
DUNCAN
Great guy. He really had the world
by the ass, but then he lost it
all.
Just like me with my credit cards,
back when I had them. I was married
then, too. With a kid. Triple
threat, right, Shirl?
(DUNCAN GOOSES HER. SHE MOVES AWAY, TO ERNIE'S SIDE.)
SHIRLEY
Ernie Reiter, this is Duncan
Wasserman, an old friend of Emil's.
Ernie is a playwright.
DUNCAN
Really? I used to write theatre and
movie reviews for various national
publications. I can tell you that
the old films are the best.
Anything after Casablanca is shit.
ERNIE
Do you think so?
DUNCAN
Surely! (TO SHIRLEY) Sorry, babes,
(BACK TO ERNIE) The silent film was
the height of artistic achievement,
and then some wiseass had to add
sound. Totally stifled the
creativity of the medium. I guess
being in theatre you'd know about
that.
HANGER-ON
Hey, Duncan, I heard that Potemkin
is going to be on cable TV tomorrow
night, and I'd like to know your
feelings.
DUNCAN
Potemkin? Fabulous. I've seen all
his films. He's just fabulous.
(HE WINKS AT ERNIE TO INCLUDE HIM IN ON THE JOKE. CELIA COMES
TO ERNIE'S RESCUE.)
CELIA
Hi. I was in the neighborhood, so I
thought I'd drop by.
DUNCAN
(FREELY ASSOCIATING, HE TOASTS
THEM) If a woman says she was so
close, she probably wasn't.
(CELIA GLARES AT HIM) I think I
need more wine. (HE EXITS, FOLLOWED
BY HIS GROUP.
CELIA
He needs a kick in the pants.
SHIRLEY
Front or back?
CELIA
Yes.
AL KING
Excuse me. (CALLING) Harry! (EXITS)
SHIRLEY
You'll have to forgive Duncan. He
is an overbearing jackass, but at
least he 's consistent.
ERNIE
He's always like that?
SHIRLEY
Except when he's drunk.
CELIA
Then he's worse?
SHIRLEY
Then he urinates on the furniture.
ERNIE
What else does he do besides rub
people the wrong way?
SHIRLEY
He is, by profession, a poet,
philosopher and freethinker. He is
a very cultured man.
ERNIE
Yeah, like yogurt.
EMIL
Come on in, kids, we're showing
Annie Hall in the screening room.
(ALL GUESTS PASS AS ERNIE AND CELIA.)
ERNIE
I think I can really get into this
film. I love the part where he goes
to California and--
CELIA
Sshhhh.
(THEY EXIT.)