Here's to California
by Stephen A. Schrum
steveschrum@musofyr.com
SCENE 5
(SOME TWO HOURS LATER, OUTSIDE THE SCREENING ROOM. DUNCAN
STANDS WRITING BY THE DOOR. CELIA AND ERNIE EMERGE TOGETHER.)
SHIRLEY FOLLOWS.)
CELIA
I love that film.
ERNIE
Me, too. I've seen it eight times
now. (SEES DUNCAN) Of course, it's
not Casablanca.
DUNCAN
That's right. (TO CELIA) I've been
waiting for you to emerge from the
cocoon of celluloid darkness, my
little flutterby. (PUSHES ERNIE TO
THE SIDE.)
CELIA
Flutterby?
DUNCAN
(HANDING HER A DRINK AND SMOOTHLY
LEADING HER OFFSTAGE) I've always
felt that the word butter-fly was a
spoonerism. You see, I think I made
a had impression earlier, and I
wanted to show you I'm not so had.
I've saved this dance for you.
(BOTH EXIT.)
SHIRLEY
It doesn't look good, Ernie.
ERNIE
(WATCHING DUNCAN AND CELIA) What?
SHIRLEY
Duncan's taken an interest in
Celia.
ERNIE
What's wrong with that?
SHIRLEY
Aren't you jealous?
ERNIE
(TURNING TO HER; TOO QUICKLY) No.
Celia and I are just friends.
SHIRLEY
Oh.
ERNIE
Besides--she can take care of
herself.
SHIRLEY
(REACTING WIDE-EYED TO SOMETHING
SHE SEES OFFSTAGE) Oh!
ERNIE
No, really.
SHIRLEY
No. I mean what she just did.
ERNIE
(TURNING TO LOOK) What?
CELIA
STOMPING PAST THEM) Chauvinist
shithead. (EXITS
DUNCAN
DOUBLED OVER, HOLDING HIS GROIN AND
CHASING CELIA) Okay, forget the
video equipment. How about just the
mirrors? (EXITS
ERNIE
She didn't knee him in the groin,
did she?
SHIRLEY
Uh, huh.
ERNIE
(SMILING) That's my Celia.
SCENE 6
(ERNIE'S ROOM. A WHILE AFTER THE PARTY. HE'S LYING ON HIS
BACK ON THE BED. TRYING TO RELAX. THE RADIO IS PLAYING NEW
WAVE MUSIC. BUT IT'S NOT HIS STYLE AND HE TURNS IT OFF.
SOMEONE KNOCKS AT THE DOOR.)
ERNIE
Who is it?
CELIA
(OUTSIDE) It's me.
ERIE
Come in, Me.
(SHE ENTERS, AND CLOSES THE DOOR. SHE HOLDS SOMETHING BEHIND
HER BACK.)
CELIA
(TAPPING HER HEAD) I got your call.
You left the party early.
ERNIE
Right after you kneed our poet in
the groin. Oh, Celia, I'm not sure
I fit in here. I don't just mean
the house, I mean California. I
just got used to Pittsburgh.
Gentrification was in full suing,
the graffiti artists had just
started to paint the subway. That's
a lifestyle I can deal with.
CELIA
Come on. Of course you fit in out
here. It's the others who don't and
have to force it.
ERNIE
You think so.
CELIA
Yes. I'll bet, as soon as you get
into rehearsals for your play,
you'll feel right at home.
ERNIE
You're probably right, as usual.
What are you hiding behind your
back?
CELIA
(SHOWING IT) It's a bottle of wine
from Lane's private stock. He said
I should bring it to you, along
with these glasses and his regards.
ERNIE
Some butler.
CELIA
Do you have a corkscrew?
ERNIE
Of course not. I always buy the
mine with the twist-off caps. (DIGS
IN A BOX) Um, here's a stage screw.
Try that.
(SHE USES THE STAGE SCREW TO OPEN THE WINE. THEN SHE POURS
TWO GLASSES AND HANDS ONE TO ERNIE.)
CELIA
Um, a toast?
ERNIE
All right. (PONDERS, THEN) Here's
to California. The land of
opportunity and odd fellows.
CELIA
And our home.
ERNIE
(SIGHS) For now.
(THEY CLINK GLASSES AND SIP.)
ERNIE (CONT'D)
Oh. Your little set-to with Duncan
reminded me of something. Whatever
happened to that guy you were
dating?
CELIA
Oh, you mean Roger? Out of my life,
thank God.
ERNIE
Really? You once wrote that he was
a great hunk of man.(SHE SNORTS) He
looked okay in that picture you
sent me of the two of you.
CELIA
Oh, he was a looker, all right. But
I would describe him as "Looks, 10;
Cognitive Development, 3"--if that
much. He turned out to be a real
jerk. We ere only casually dating,
but one night he decided he should
sleep together because he wanted
to, When I said no, he said he
could convince me. He tried
everything except knocking me over
the head with a club. Which is
close to what l did to him.
ERNIE
In the groin?
CELIA
(SIPPING) Um, hmmmm.
ERNIE
Ouch, This is becoming a recurring
theme with you.
CELIA
When I say no, I mean no. Why can't
men take no for an answer?
ERNIE
Some can. It's the only answer I
ever get, so I always take it. :
CELIA
Maybe you'll meet someone out here.
ERNIE
Someone like Roger?
CELIA
I hope not.
ERNIE
Me, too. I don't know. I guess I'm
afraid of being lonely for the rest
of my life. That really scares m.
CELIA
I know what you mean. It scares a
lot of us. (THEY DRINK) Well, it's
time for bed.
ERNIE
Celia! Is that a proposition?
CELIA
Oh, come on, Ernie. You know I
never end the day with a
proposition. Good night.
ERNIE
Good night.
(SHE EXITS. HE POURS HIMSELF ANOTHER GLASS OF WINE. AND LIES
BACK TO THINK.)
SCENE 7
(ONE WEEK LATER. SEATED AROUND THE TABLE IN THE DINING ROOM
FOR BREAKFAST ARE CELIA, EMIL AND LOLA. LANE IS POURING AND
SERVING ORANGE JUICE FROM A PITCHER.)
CELIA
Has anyone seen Ernie this morning?
LANE
No, miss.
EMIL
I haven't either. But then my eyes
aren't open yet.
CELIA
Maybe he didn't come home last
night.
He went to that party to celebrate
the play's first rehearsal. Maybe
he met someone there, and, well....
EMIL
One can only hope. Right, Lola?
(PULLS HER RING.)
LOLA
Fill me up with your juices now.
(PAUSE.)
ERNIE
(FROM THE HALLWAY) Oh, God.
CELIA
Here he comes now. His timing is
almost perfect.
(ERNIE STAGGERS IN, SITS DOWN AT THE TABLE, AND HOLDS HIS
HEAD IN HIS HANDS.)
CELIA (CONT'D)
Good morning, Ernie. We were just
talking about you.
ERNIE
(PEEKING OUT BETWEEN HIS FINGERS)
If it's morning, this must be
breakfast.
CELIA
Exactly right. Would you like some
eggs?
ERNIE
Lord, no.
LANE
(AT ERNIE'S SIDE) Anything for
breakfast, sir?
ERNIE
A glass of orange juice and two
aspirins, Lane. Over easy.
LANE
Yes, sir. (EXITS)
ERNIE
My first California earthquake and
it has to be inside my head.
CELIA
Good Party?
ERNIE
I hope so. I'd hate to feel like
this without having had a good
time. (REMEMBERING) Oh, no!
CELIA
What ?
ERNIE
I just remembered what happened.
(PAUSE) I never made love to a
woman with a blue Mohawk before.
CELIA
How was she otherwise? Nice?
ERNIE
She might be able to pass for a
human being on a very cloudy day.
(LANE BRINGS JUICE AND ASPIRINS)
Why can't I ever meet a nice girl?
(TAKES ASPIRINS WITH JUICE.)
EMIL
I've often asked myself that
question.
CELIA
That's something I've been
wondering about, Emil. If you don't
mind my asking, you seem to get
along fine with women. Me, Shirley,
the others at the parties. But
there's still--(GLANCES AT LOLA,
NOT WANTING TO OFFEND)--there's
still Lola.
EMIL
Oh, well, it's really nothing, I
guess. It's just that I have an
assertiveness problem with women.
Not all women, just the ones I'd
like to date. I get along great
with omen who are friends and
business associates--
CELIA
And party decorations?
EMIL
Yes. But ones I am interested in I
get very nervous with.
CELIA
Maybe you should take an
assertiveness training course.
EMIL
I did. It didn't help. Part of the
course as to make speeches in
class. I didn't mind that so much,
but we couldn't choose our own
topics. The teacher assigned them
to us.
CELIA
You should have told him you wanted
to pick your own.
EMIL
Her. But I couldn't have done that.
I just didn't have the nerve.
Besides, I wasn't taking it for
credit, so it didn't matter.
ERNIE
Well, I hate to break up this
excitement, but I'm going to bed.
CELIA
Tired, huh?
ERNIE
You would be too if you spent the
whole night on top of a large
console TV, struggling to get away.
(AS HE STAGGERS OFF) I wonder if
she knows I'm gone? Oh, yeah.
That's right. She was copulating
with a cactus when I left. (EXITS.)
CELIA
I don't know, Emil. A lot of
men/women relationships just don't
seem to work.
EMIL
That's why I have Lola.
CELIA
I wonder if they have a model for
women?
EMIL
Of course. But they're more
expensive. More parts.
SCENE 8
(THAT NIGHT. BACKSTAGE OF THE L.A. POPULAR THEATRE. OVER THE
STAGE DOOR IS A SIGN THAT SAYS, "LEAVE EVERY HOPE BEHIND, YE
WHO ENTER." ERNIE IS READING IT AS MARY, A VERY CUTE BLONDE,
WALKS UP TO HIM.)
MARY
That's left over from a production
of Shaw's Don Juan In Hell.
ERNIE
Oh?
MARY
I played Dona Ana.
ERNIE
In that case, I can understand Don
Juan's attraction. My name is Ernie
Reiter.
MARY
I know. I saw you at the party last
night. I would have introduced
myself then, but you seemed to be
quite involved with someone else.
ERNIE
The one with the Mohawk? (SHE
NODS.) How involved' was 1?
MARY
You were staring at her with what
seemed to be total devotion.
ERNIE
No, it was more like abject fear.
Or maybe complete panic.
MARY
Then I misread you--unfortunately.
Maybe I should have rescued you.
ERNIE
You probably would have needed the
jaws of life.
MARY
I'm the assistant stage manager for
your show. My name is Mary Lewis.
ERNIE
Hi. You Know, my mother's name is
Mary.
MARY
Really? Um, maybe we could have
dinner later.
ERNIE
Yeah, sure. We can talk about
hairstyles.
MARY
I'll see you right after rehearsal.
Okay?
ERNIE
Perfect.
SCENE 9
(THE NEXT MORNING AT BREAKFAST. EMIL AND CELIA ARE IN
ATTENDANCE.)
CELIA
I don't know, Emil. This is getting
to be a habit with Ernie.
EMIL
It's only been two days.
CELIA
Believe me, for Ernie, We've
already established a tradition.
ERNIE
ENTERING, ALL SMILES) Good morning,
everyone. (SITS)
CELIA
You're very cheery today, Ernie.
ERNIE
A lovely young lady and I spent the
whole night together. Just talking.
She's quite wonderful.
CELIA
That's nice.
ERNIE
Oh come on, Celia. Be happy for me.
I am.
CELIA
Okay, for now I ill. But we'll see.
(KATE, EMIL'S NIECE, ENTERS, CROSSES TO EMIL AND KISSES HIM
ON THE FOREHEAD. SHE IS A NINETEEN-YEAR-OLD LEGGY REDHEAD
WITH BIG EYES.)
KATE
Good morning, everybody. How are
you this morning, Uncle?
EMIL
Fine, dear. Uh, Ernie, you weren't
here last night to meet my niece,
Katherine. Katherine, this is
Ernie, one of my boarders. She'll
be staying with us for a while.
(ALMOST AN ASIDE TO ERNIE) She
wants to get into the movies.
ERNIE
(IN RAPTURE) Hi. She's really your
niece, Emil?
EMIL
(PROUDLY) My sister Marlene's
daughter.
ERNIE
Hi, Katherine.
KATE
Hi, Ernie. Celia tells me you write
plays.
ERNIE
I try.
KATE
(TURNING ON THE CHARM) Maybe You
can write a play for me to star in
sometime.
ERNIE
(FULLY TAKEN IN) I'd love to. .
CELIA
(NAUSEATED) Well, I've got to get
to work. See you all later.
(EXITS.)
EMIL
I've got some phone calls to make.
Ernie, entertain Katherine, will
you please?
ERNIE
Sure. (EMIL EXITS.) So, You're
Katherine.
KATE
You can call me Kate, if you'd
like.
ERNIE
I would like that. (TAKES HER HAND
AND KISSES IT) My mother's name is
Katherine, you know.
KATE
Really?
ERNIE
Oh, yes. And I think the two of us
should spend the evening together.
KATE
The evening? (GIGGLES) I'd like
that.
ERNIE
What do you say e go and trip the
light fantastic?
KATE
(GENUINELY PUZZLED) You mean...fall
over a lamp?
ERNIE
No, I mean, uh, have a great time
together.
KATE
I'd love that.
SCENE 10
(THE FOLLOWING SATURDAY, IN THE EXERCISE ROOM OF THE MANSION.
SHIRLEY AND CELIA ARE DOING AEROBICS TO CLASSICAL MUSIC.)
SHIRLEY
Ernie sure is glowing after his
date last night with Kate.
CELIA
Don't let Emil hear you say that.
SHIRLEY
I don't think he'd mind (PAUSE) And
yet--maybe he would. Some people
have odd sense of morality. They
can do whatever they want, but no
one else can do what they want.
CELIA
I don't see how some people can do
whatever they ant. I'm no prude,
but some people get carried away.
SHIRLEY
I know. Some people are absolutely
shameless.
CELIA
Like these women who pose for men's
magazines. I still can not
understand how women can allow
themselves to be exploited like
that.
SHIRLEY
I don't know either. My friend Judy
asked me that back when we were
doing a layout for Hustler, but she
never came up with an answer .
CELIA
I wish you had. I was asked to do
it.
SHIRLEY
Pose nude?
CELIA
Yes.
SHIRLEY
Are you going to?
CELIA
I don't know. I find the idea
intriguing. It would certainly be a
new experience. But I don't know if
I could go through with it.
SHIRLEY
It is an interesting experience.
EMIL
(ENTERING, LOLA SLUNG UNDER ONE
ARM) Ladies, have either of you
seen my niece?
SHIRLEY
No, Emil. I think she's still in
bed.
EMIL
Tsk, tsk, tsk. She'd better get up
soon. It's almost noon. I know it's
Saturday, but how can she expect to
get a job in this town if she stays
in bed all the time? (EXITS.)
CELIA
Think we should tell him?
SHIRLEY
No. (PAUSE.) Actually, it's pretty
amazing how naive Emil really is.
LANE
(ENTERING WITH MAIL) Your mail,
ladies.
(THEY STOP EXERCISING, AND TAKE THE LETTERS. LANE EXITS
IMMEDIATELY.)
SHIRLEY
Thanks, Lane.
CELIA
Thank you.
SHIRLEY
(LOOKING AT AN ENVELOPE) Oh, no.
CELIA
What is it?
SHIRLEY
This guy. He only writes to me
either when he's horny or when he's
met someone new and just wants us
to be friends again, and cool me
off from his last horny letter.
CELIA
What's your relationship with him?
SHIRLEY
We don't have one. Except in his
mind. (READS LETTER) He's amazing.
He signed this letter, "Bare hugs
and sloppy Kisses."
CELIA
How's "bear" spelled?
SHIRLEY
"B-A-R-E."
CELIA
Must be a horny phase.
SHIRLEY
Definitely. Otherwise he's have
signed it, 'Your friend.. He was
dating my sister, Aida, for awhile.
They were pretty hot for a few
months, but then suddenly he
stopped calling her. After six
weeks she said to me, I think it
might be all over, but I don't want
to jump to any conclusions. I said,
"Honey, crawl to a conclusion." "I
don't know," she said, "I'm
beginning to think that he's a
chauvinist." When I laughed she
said, "No, really! It's true!"
CELIA
So what happened?
SHIRLEY
It turned out that he was lying
low, trying to stay away from Aida
so he could hit on me. He found me
at a party one night. He came up
and suggested we play "Nude
Twister." When I said no, he said,
"Hey, I just want to go to bed with
you. It's nothing personal."
CELIA
My ex, Roger, had a way with words,
too. Once he said, "Hey, I never
asked you to feel anything for me.
Then he leered and said, "I meant
emotionally."
SHIRLEY
Why is it men always say "Hey" in
situations like that?
CELIA
Must be a macho thing. (PAUSE)
Shirley, speaking of the men you
date, do you ever get any nice
ones?
SHIRLEY
I seem to draw jerks like a magnet.
CELIA
Have you ever thought of getting
together with Emil?
SHIRLEY
Oh, Celia, I couldn't do that to
Lola.
CELIA
Shirley. Lola is a plastic party
doll.
SHIRLEY
I know. I was just trying to make a
joke.
CELIA
Not a very good one.
SHIRLEY
Sorry.
CELIA
Well?
SHIRLEY
What?
CELIA
Shirley--you're hedging.
SHIRLEY
I know. It's just that, well, I do
care for him a lot.
CELIA
Why don't you let him know?
SHIRLEY
I couldn't. We get along great as
friends. If I approached him as a
lover, it might change our
closeness, You know how shy he is
with women.
CELIA
Maybe it would work, since You were
friends first. Then he wouldn't be
so nervous about it. ,
SHIRLEY
Maybe....
CELIA
Think about it.
SHIRLEY
Okay. I'll think about it.